A word from Josh Barnum.

I’m 36 years old, but I feel like I’ve been writing this book in the back of my mind ever since I courted my first valentine in the 2nd grade. I finally started putting pen to paper after my first serious breakup in my early twenties. And, similar to the 2014 coming-of-age film Boyhood, this project took more than a decade to complete as I amassed more material (but, thankfully, no STDs). Over the course of this voyage, I have personally experienced just about every component of the dating arc and jotted down my findings more or less in real time.

Let me start off by saying this: I love women. In this era of the #MeToo movement, I think it’s important to still call out the obvious: Any type of sexual assault, abuse, or general misconduct toward women is wrong and completely unacceptable. In no way, shape, or form does this book (or its ensemble of writers) condone any sort of behavior that makes a woman feel uncomfortable, nor does it suggest you should ever act in a manner that forces a lady to do anything against her will. Don’t be an asshole.

As a general disclaimer, this book should not be looked upon as all-knowing or a literary cure for your female hangovers. It can, however, be regarded as a one-stop shop and general “guideline” for the process as you undergo a metamorphosis in the dating arena from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly. There are dozens of voluminous books on the market specifically dedicated to the topics covered by each of the ensuing chapters. My objective is not to inundate you with a lot about a little but, rather, to give you a taste of the entire buffet. The topics covered provide the general electives of your Bachelor of Women curriculum and a foundation to build on should you decide to embark on advanced studies.

So why should you listen to me? Well, that’s for you to decide. I could talk about all the females I’ve been with, the books I’ve consumed, or the countless hours of research I’ve done. But the truth is, like you, I’m just a regular guy who’s been through it all. Fortunately, somewhere along the way, this whole “understanding women” thing started clicking for me. But, of course, I’m only one person. So, to deliver an enhanced and well-rounded perspective, I’ve also enlisted the support of a curated group of female comrades to provide a collective woman’s point of view. Comments from this diverse cast of everyday gals will accompany us on our journey. My voices of reason include:

B.B. Entrepreneur. Age 33. Single.
J.G. Head of Sales. Age 33. In a Relationship.
L.S. Marketing & Events Professional. Age 30. In a Relationship.
M.C. Media Director. Age 30. Single.
M.E. PR Professional. Age 32. Married/Mother.
M.O. Entertainment Professional. Age 36. Single.
M.S. Mental Health Professional. Age 29. In a Relationship.
R.M. Visual Designer. Age 30. In a Relationship.
S.O. Experiential Event Marketing Director. Age 37. Married.
W.P. IT Project Manager. Age 31. Single.
E. Ensemble of various women. Some single and some in a relationship.

I’ll stress that I am not a psychiatrist, doctor, or relationship expert. The goal of this book is merely to shed some light on my own experiences so that you may benefit from my successes and zig where I mistakenly zagged. The following offers a collection of theories, suggestions, and historic insight dedicated to helping you survive the ruthless game of love. Think of it as Tucker Max meets Sigmund Freud.

Enjoy.

Josh Barnum on…

Universal Attraction

The pick-up has no optimal duration and should take as long or as little time as needed to get the job done. Personally, I’ve been a part of ones that were completed in under two minutes, and I’ve participated in lengthier sessions that required multi-hour efforts. Regardless, there are vital attributes you will need to convey in order to move the conversation from the “introduction” to the “close.” A close can refer to anything that propels the relationship forward. Whether it is an exchange of contact information or some mild form of sexual activity, any bond-building interaction that makes you feel less like strangers is a positive one. Displaying the traits below will aid you in moving things along.

Stature

Women want to be protected and provided for, and they find comfort in knowing you have the resources to fill these needs. The good news is you can display this in a variety of ways. A tall male with a muscular build demonstrates protective qualities on a physical level the way a sharply dressed man wearing a designer suit does so on a financial level. Guys with a lot of friends and connections offer opportunities for upward mobility in social status, and creative types who’ve seen some success dangle the allure of potential greater fame. I’m not saying you need to spend a hundred hours a week at the gym or a few thousand dollars a month on Valentino suits, but you need to promote yourself in one of these lights. If you’re short and chubby, wear nice clothes and drive a fancy car. If you can’t afford the lifestyle , develop a large social circle. If you’re socially awkward, learn an instrument or write a screenplay—that is, lean into and develop your creative talents and passions.

Intelligence

Physical stimulation can only get you so far before boredom sets in. The intelligent guy brings a lot to the table; he’s interesting, well-rounded, and provides a mental stimulus that females crave. Women love a challenge. With his keen intellect and entertaining quick wit, the smart male has the resources to captivate a lady’s attention for longer than just a lay. Women are intrigued by clever men because they are harder to figure out, among other reasons.

Smart men also possess an inner strength fueled by a sense of “knowing,” which can be calming in a chaotic world characterized by chance and random occurrences. Aptitude is also typically a prerequisite for success, which further enhances the “provider” status of the intelligent male. Not only do women want to increase their probability of being cared for, but they also want to look good in front of their peers. As evidenced by the strong female preference for doctors and lawyers, “being smart” is a valued trait in society. No one wants to be on the arm of the guy at a dinner party who can’t decipher the difference between their, they’re, and there.

The intellectual man also makes a woman feel smarter by osmosis. He motivates her to work harder, challenges her to do better, and inspires her to raise the bar for her own life aspirations.

As a side note, if I need to explain to you how to demonstrate your intelligence, then maybe it’s best that you pick one of the other qualities to highlight.

Humor

There’s really not too much that needs to be said here. Simply put, people love to laugh. When we do, it brings about a release of dopamine, which physically makes us feel good. We constantly seek ways to satisfy this craving.

Comedy provides entertainment value that breaks up the monotony of mundane conversation. A male with a good sense of humor attracts women because he is interesting, original, and charismatic. As the smart guy does. the funny guy engages a woman’s mind and is more capable of sustaining long-term interest. Being funny also demonstrates you don’t take yourself so seriously, which makes women feel less threatened by you. Unfortunately, the majority of male conversationalists on the market are below average at best. They’re monotone, awful storytellers, and their punch lines usually fall flat. The funny guy offers refreshing social banter that separates him from other men.

If you happen to fall into the “unfunny” category, familiarize yourself with the top comedians in the entertainment industry and study the various mannerisms they utilize to captivate an audience. There’s a lot to be said about tempo, double entendre, and metaphorical exaggeration. If you learn the blueprint for what makes people laugh, you’ll no doubt improve your odds of piquing a woman’s interest (and if not the first, remember that not all women have the same sense of humor).

Affability

While opposites attract initially, most people have a preference for people who share similarities with themselves. For centuries, people have been shacking up based on ethnicity, religion, and personal values. We want to be with people who are most like us, and we find solace in selecting partners who see the world through the same filtered lens.

I’m not condoning putting on a yarmulke to pick up Jewish girls or faking an Australian accent, but there are many clever ways you can insinuate rapport, even in instances where it truly doesn’t exist. Consider the positive impact of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) on relationship building . Most people are familiar with the concept of mirroring, which involves subtly modifying your own body language to mimic that of another to build rapport and convey a sense of inner commonality on a subconscious level. NLP takes this a step further and refers to the strategic targeting of another person’s preferred communicative style to establish subliminal affinity. If your target most commonly uses words like “see,” “look,” and “illustrate,” she is likely more of a visual learner. If she frequently says things like “listen,” “hear,” and “tuned in,” she prefers her auditory system. Words like “feel,” “touched,” and “grasped” reflect kinesthetic inclinations. In these examples, the first thinks in pictures, the second in sounds, and the third in feelings. In NLP lingo, these sensory-based words are referred to as “predicates,” and repeated use of a predicate will reveal a person’s favored representational system. By understanding how your target best likes to communicate, you will increase the odds of message resonation. You should tune in for the most frequently used phrases in her vernacular and then incorporate them into your own sentence structure during conversation.

Unless you’re a complete social stooge, you should at least be able to connect with someone on a few levels of common interest, even if you vary in race, religion, and geographic background. From music and movie-going to karate and kayaking, there are certainly enough interests to go around. If you find yourself struggling, look into picking up a hobby or two.

Dependability

When surveying the landscape for prospective mates, women look for men with good character, ones who are loyal, reliable, and consistent. There are many ways to reveal this in courtship. For example, if you say you’re going to do something, do it; don’t break plans. Be 10 minutes early. Don’t hit on another girl at the same bar immediately after you picked one up. Show that you’re a good friend, son, brother, etc. Play up your stable job, if you have one. Remember, it’s the little things. Women take on a much larger risk than we do when selecting a mate, so make them feel less like they’re playing craps and more like they’re doubling down on a sure thing.

Over a nine-month period, men can impregnate as many women that will have them; their fathering is unlimited. Women, on the other hand, are capable of caring for only one embryo at a time, and they must do so from a position of weakness. As previously mentioned, pregnancy is no walk in the park, and it requires a great deal of external support. A woman needs a man she knows she can depend on, not only during the tenure when she’s at her worst but afterward, when it’s time to help her raise and protect the child as it grows. The roles of husband and father are lifelong commitments, and a woman wants to know her man is someone who can handle being in it for the long haul.

Confidence

Confidence is extremely sexy to a woman. It signifies strength, intelligence, and provides reassurance that everything is going to be all right. Confident people exude a poise that leaves you with an impression that they know something that others do not. Similar to the intelligent male, the confident guy provides comfort and a sense of serenity. Most people are paralyzed when it comes to decision-making, so women are instinctually drawn to men who carry themselves with natural credence. It’s refreshing and makes them feel safe.

The confident guy couldn’t give two shits about what anyone else thinks, and this self-assured mentality can be an aphrodisiac for females because it reveals determination, mental fortitude, and a capacity for leadership, which are qualities commonly found in successful men. The former NBC show Community had a great episode in which the female lead, a pretty blonde, was wildly attracted to this white-trash carnival worker with a low IQ, and the other characters couldn’t understand why. We later find out that the carney had an accident when he was young that eliminated the part of his brain that controls inhibition. Because he didn’t have the ability to be self-conscious, he was irresistible to the pretty blonde—despite his lack of intelligence and his goofy appearance.

Confidence resonates on a subconscious level and is self-feeding. When we act confident, we feel confident—and vice versa. To project confidence, consider the following actions: Speak slowly with purpose, don’t react to what others say, and don’t require an external reaction when you do something. Display open body language and steeple (involves facing your palms together with just the fingers touching). Stand up tall. Use slower, deliberate mannerisms. Take up a larger amount of space. And don’t fidget.

Online Dating

Online dating is a relatively new phenomenon that has taken the dating scene by storm over the last five years. From relationship-focused sites like eHarmony and Match.com to hookup platforms like Tinder, PURE, and Plenty of Fish, nowadays there’s pretty much an app for every dating preference. While this recent phenomenon gives you the flexibility of hunting for women while taking a shit, it drastically impedes your ability to find long-term love.

When my grandfather was growing up, his options consisted of the ladies at school or the ones in his building; that was it. Subtract the ones out of his league, those he found unattractive, and the gals in relationships, and he was probably left with less than 20 potential mates in his prime dating years. There was no seemingly endless supply of women. If you had a date, it was considered a big deal because you just didn’t know when you’d have the opportunity to go out with someone again. The closest thing to a stranger was a family fix-up or a new neighbor. His Aunt Lena carrying around the one black-and-white photo of him in her purse constituted his “dating profile.” In those days, you didn’t voyage too far from the nest. You settled down in the same neighborhood you grew up in. You were expected to “stick to your own,” marry young, and pop out tons of babies as quickly as possible. If you think the pressure your parents are exerting on you to settle down is tough now, imagine what it was like back in the 1930s. In my family, you were basically considered a leopard if you were unmarried at 25. If you were a late bloomer, your prospects were even shittier if you were single in your late 20s.

Things didn’t change much when my father reached his formative years. Whereas my grandpa had 20 options, my dad probably had closer to 100. While that’s nearly five times as many choices, bear in mind that it was for his entire dating tenure. You can literally swipe right 100 times alone on a Tuesday night these days. Developments in public transit made it easier to meet females further than a two-block radius from your home, and social mixers provided increased opportunities for meeting the ladies.

Although society was opening up more to sex at this time, sleeping around was still considered socially taboo. Like during my grandfather’s generation, the 1950s marked a period when society favored the collectivistic culture over individuality. Men and women were supposed to adhere to the prescribed gender roles they inherited. Men went to work and provided; women cared for the home. Family needs were valued over the self. There was no internet, smart phones, or text messaging. If you got a lady’s number, you called her house phone, went through the rigorous screening by her parents and siblings, and then picked her up at her home. If you were meeting someone for a date, you planned ahead and hoped she showed. Communication was a luxury. Effort was required, and options were still very limited.

Fast forward 60 years, and the dating scene looks more like an all-you-can-eat buffet. With the boom of online dating, you’re never not on the prowl. You can Tinder while you’re on a Tinder date and set up multiple rendezvous for every day of the week. This glutinous supply of options has cultivated an insatiable addiction for constantly looking for the next best thing. Long gone are the days of looking for the good in someone; nowadays, the single contingent is quick to cut someone for using the wrong brand of toothpaste. In my grandfather and father’s generations, you worked with what you had. Today, everything is a deal breaker.

To be fair, I do have several close friends that have had success finding their soul mates via online dating, but I also have a plethora of comrades that go on a date as often as they change underwear. While they’re getting laid and have all sorts of different women with varying pseudonyms in their rolodex (Tina the Bartender, Kelly the Nurse, etc.), they’re never really satisfied. The only way to truly liberate yourself from the shackles of bachelorhood is to cut the online dating umbilical cord once you find someone you more than “kind of like.” If you don’t, you’ll keep window shopping because you’ll be paralyzed by the constant fear of having buyer’s remorse.

That said, as online dating platforms have flipped the dating scene on its head in recent years, it’s unlikely that courtship will ever return to its pre-iPhone days. Our laziness, addiction to mindless smartphone activity, and fear of in-person rejection make dating apps an appetizing medium for pursuing women. Entire books are dedicated to the intricate nuances of online pick-up, so my remarks here will be brief. Ultimately, success boils down to the mastery of three key components: the framework of your profile, your first message, and how well you transition things back to an in-person dating scenario.

Texting vs. Calling

To text or to call, that is the question. If you pass or miss the window for sending the same-day text, take the following into consideration:

In the old days, a guy called a gal if he was interested. Back then, it was not only expected but preferred. This sentiment is still shared today by a number of older Millennials and Gen Xers, but with its immense growth in popularity, texting has all but cemented its status as the new standard for communication, and ladies across the board are becoming more and more receptive to its use.

Nowadays, if you call a female, it’s doubtful that she’ll actually answer her phone, let alone return your call. The bottom line is that a phone conversation requires effort and, in my opinion, when it comes to dating, people are inherently lazy. It’s much easier to send a few words via text or not respond to something or someone you don’t want to rather than to deal with an auditory back and forth.

This is not to say that calling a woman doesn’t have its share of benefits. When you pick up the phone, it projects a sense of confidence and demonstrates that you are someone who is direct and not afraid to go after something you want head-on. The phone call also provides you with a better forum for showcasing your full personality.

It is very easy to misconstrue tonality and sarcasm over text and, oftentimes, your sense of humor can get lost in the shuffle. Likewise, people also have a tendency to forget that there is an actual person with feelings on the other end of their texts, and while it’s not as good as in-person communication, talking on the phone at least registers a human element to the interaction and increases the odds that she’ll keep her commitments.

Calling a woman very early in the courting process is a high-risk approach, but if you can actually get her on the horn, it gives you an opportunity to quickly pick up where you left off. In a perfect world, you’ve already done most of the legwork during your first encounter, so at this point, your banter should be light, playful, and easy. All you’re doing is moving the relationship along and keeping your momentum. You should be funny, interesting, and brief.

When conversing, make sure to speak slowly and with a sense of purpose. Be mindful of having full service to prevent dropped calls or bad reception, and prepare several conversation threads to defend yourself against potential awkward silence.

Finally, after establishing plans, segue with some engaging fodder and close strong. You’ll want to be the one who ends the conversation in order to leave her wanting more. This will also make you look confident and busy with your own life and, thus, more attractive in her eyes.

Texting, on the other hand, is the safer course of action as it provides you with an open loop for conversation that you can pick back up whenever you feel like re-engaging. It is less intrusive, doesn’t require too much effort, and it ultimately affords you an opportunity to truly think before you speak.

More often than not, you should opt for the text because it puts less pressure on the female while simultaneously keeping the balance of power in check. If you call and she doesn’t answer or call you back, you concede all leverage. It doesn’t matter how great of a time you had or how much she hoped you reached out; some women just get anxious about talking on the phone. You can send a follow-up text after you call or try her again at a later date, but you’ll only further imbalance the equilibrium of correspondence. To keep yourself on equal footing, you should strive to maintain a 1:1 ratio for communication efforts at all times.

Texting enables you to utilize the Zeigarnik Effect to pique her interest. This principle refers to the idea that humans have a psychological tendency to better remember uncompleted tasks to completed ones. People have an inherent drive and need for closure, and if you send someone a text, their instincts demand that they satisfy their curiosity. In other words, they feel compelled to read and respond to the text.

On the other hand, leaving a voice message is less effective in eliciting a favorable response for two reasons: A) It is much harder to come across as charming and engaging in a one-sided verbal monologue and B) the law of social reciprocity would require a call back for a placed call. Again, this would be a deterrent for many women.

Where the odds of getting her on the phone are low, sending a text will at least get your foot in the door. But remember: Make it count because you typically only have one shot at getting a response. Never open with texts like “Hey” or “What’s up?” or with questions that can be answered in one word or less. Your first message should be clever, unique, and utilize a callback from your first encounter to bring about a positive mental heuristic to attach yourself to.

You should also look to incorporate suspense building/cliffhanger statements like “You’ll never believe what happened” to draw interest (Zeigarnik Effect) and make inquiries with open-ended questions to increase her investment in the conversation. Remember, your first post-meeting communication must build attraction. If your first text (or phone call) doesn’t immediately remind her of why she gave you her number in the first place, you’ll be blown out of the water with no chance for recovery. Your first text is like an elevator pitch, but instead of 30 seconds, you only have 3 lines or less to convey your personality. There are dozens of competing guys in the jungle, and if you fail to build additional intrigue immediately, you’ll be dropped faster than a drunk on a mountain bike.

Whichever medium you employ, it’s important to get that second meeting as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than losing the steam you worked so hard to build. And as long as it took to create that momentum, it can dissipate twice as fast. Again, strike while the iron is hot.